Thinking about behaviour
- Jane
- Nov 3, 2024
- 4 min read
‘Kids do well if they can. If they can’t, it’s our job to figure out what is getting in the way so we can help’ Dr Ross Greene (Clinical Psychologist & Author).
He encourages us to think about our philosophy towards children with social, emotional and behavioural challenges. It’s this philosophy that’s going to guide our beliefs, actions and interactions with children, especially when the going gets tough. And I know well how tough the going can get!
There is no denying that supporting a child who displays challenging behaviour on a regular basis can be incredibly exhausting, frustrating and overwhelming. Behaviour comes with lots of negative connotations and stirs up big emotional responses in all of us. I have supported children with behavioural difficulties for over 20 years and wanted to share some of my what I’ve learnt and how it informs my practice.
In difficult times, these beliefs help keep me focused and moving towards problem solving rather than remaining stuck in the cycle of negative behaviour and punishments. Having the drive to help children through difficult times and knowing that their futures are not written by the challenges and behaviours they display in childhood has helped keep me motivated and on track.
Even in the darkest of times, children have amazed me over and over again with the progress they can make. The common denominator has always been a supportive and empathic environment and connection from at least one adult who sticks with them through thick and thin.
1. Behaviour does a really good job of distracting us from what’s really going on.
When we’re in the midst of trying to manage behaviour, it can be incredibly difficult to see beyond it to uncover the underlying issues/difficulties. My starting point is to question ‘why’ and try to figure out what’s going on for the child right now that’s resulting in them behaving in this way i.e. try to see the world from the child’s viewpoint. It’s like putting the pieces of a jigsaw together, some slot into place quickly, others take much more time, patience and persistence.
Even when we don’t fully understand why or don’t have everything figured out, it’s important to keep sending messages to the child that we’re not giving up and we want to help and support them.
Many factors affect behaviour, including:
- Relationships and connections
- Fear, worry, anxiety
- Emotional dysregulation i.e. unable to manage their emotions
- Sensory difficulties
- Language and communication difficulties
- Developmental delays
- Lacking essential skills such as impulse control, waiting, turn-taking, managing setbacks
- Trauma
- Learning needs
- Underlying diagnosis
- Sleep issues, diet, technology
2. The way we think and talk about behaviour influences our response
Switching my language has really changed how I view and support children with behavioural challenges.
It’s not about accepting it or excusing it but using language such as ‘bad and bold’ really shuts down the inquisitive thought and puts me in a negative space. We still need to hold boundaries with behaviour and teach children what is and is not desirable. Using negative language in front of the child also has detrimental effects not only on their self-esteem and self-image but can also drive a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The way we speak to children becomes their inner voice.
Switching to language such as, ‘dysregulated’, ‘still learning to’, ‘haven’t learnt as yet’, ‘needs more practice’ moves us towards thinking about how we can support them rather than punishing them.
3. Meet the child where they are at
Every child develops in different ways and at different stages so we have to look beyond their chronological age at times. Match our expectations to where the child is right now and manage our own expectations e.g. if a 10 year old continues to struggle with turn taking, then we put our efforts into teaching that skill.
4. Try to focus on being proactive rather than reactive
It can be really helpful to try and identify patterns to behaviour i.e. particular times of day or events/situations when behaviour seems to heighten. If you can get a picture of this then you can start trying to identify what strategies and supports would be helpful rather than always being in the cycle of negative behaviour. It’s about starting small and trying things out. Children respond to strategies in different ways and there’s always an element of trial and error. If something doesn’t work, then we move on to something else. However, it can take time and lots of consistency for strategies and interventions to be successful.
5. Rethinking punishments
Punishments alone do not change behaviour, just look at our overcrowded prisons! It doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences for undesired behaviour but these should be part of our teaching i.e. what is the child going to learn following this incident? Consequences should be natural and logical and should follow a short reflection after the incident. Discussion should only happen when you and the child are calm and regulated again.
For instance, if a child throws items all over the room or lashes out at someone, talk to them about what happened e.g. ‘Tell me what happened’ rather than asking ‘why did you do that?’
Encourage them to think about how they were feeling at the time. Focusing on feelings is the key here as feelings influence behaviour. However, this takes time and practice, even adults can have difficulty verbalising feelings after difficult incidents.
When they have reflected on the incident in some way then we move to repairing harm and restoring relationships i.e. Restorative Practice e.g. ‘what do you think should happen now, how could we make things right?’. This might involve the child tidying up the items or doing something kind with their hands for the affected person (age and ability dependant).
Everything takes time, patience and consistency.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself when you are supporting a child with behavioural challenges.